December 2021 marks five years since Sienna Wagnon was the victim of domestic violence. She comments, “In 2016, I survived a brutal attack by my husband. The journey to heal, regain my voice, and speak out against violent abuse has taken some time. I want to share what professionals taught me so that red flags can become common knowledge and people can more easily spot the signs of abuse.”

The Make-up Break-up Cycle

It’s totally normal to disagree and argue with your significant other. Arguing can help you and clear the air and learn more about another person. However, if arguments become more frequent or one of you is constantly triggered, then there’s a problem. Heated arguments shouldn’t be a regular thing. Making up often gives people a sense of relief, but it shouldn’t feel like you made a narrow escape. That kind of relief is unwarranted, and is often seen in codependent relationships. 

This is referred to as the “cycle of violence.” It’s cyclical in that the same patterns are repeated. Tension builds, there’s a violent outburst, and then an elaborate make-up session follows. You may have seen couples do this to some degree. This is an unhealthy cycle. One that could lead to a crime of passion. When emotions are that intense, you have to take a step back and re-evaluate the relationship. Get a second opinion from a knowledgeable professional and ask if this behavior is healthy. 

Narcissism 

Narcissism is a personality disorder. As harmful as this disorder is, it is often rewarded in the workplace and in other areas where being competitive and confident is seen as a good thing. So, you have to take it upon yourself to see if some of these traits will ultimately lead to the downfall of your relationship. 

Narcissists can be very critical of others. Yes, we can all be judgemental and critical. The difference is that they are very vocal about their disappointments. They need to feel superior, so in establishing that there is something wrong with someone else, it gives them that feeling of superiority. Being in an argument with this person is impossible because if you are in conflict with them, you are automatically wrong. 

The other really important thing to note about narcissists is that they don’t like being in positions of vulnerability. This might trigger them and cause them to lash out or blame others for things that don’t go their way. Which brings us to another really important point. They have extremely high expectations for you and everyone else. Of course, they can’t always tell other people how they haven’t met these expectations, but being their significant other, they will definitely let you know if you let them down. 

Gaslighting 

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic that someone might use to keep another person confused. Essentially, it’s used as a form of control. The person who does this is trying to make you think that they have all the answers. They are the authority, so whatever they say is correct. They often provide an interpretation of you that you don’t agree with. They make you question who you are. 

One powerful way to do this is to make generalizations about you. For example, calling you selfish when you know you’re not selfish. It’s extremely frustrating. The worst part is when you try to defend yourself, they might say, “See you have anger problems, this is what I was talking about.” These situations are a waste of time. Realize that person will never relent. You’re doing what they wanted you to do. Know who you are and connect with others who know you, and if you’re really not sure, get some objective input. 

Advocacy and Awareness

Sienna ends by saying, “I don’t think being abused is something you “get over” or forget about. I would describe it’s more like something you move through. There are stages, just like grief. Each stage is different, with different lessons as you move through healing. Awareness is crucial for change to happen.”

For more information, you can reach Sienna through her social media pages: 

https://twitter.com/sienna25sie

Sienna (@sienna_wagnon) • Instagram photos and videos